never really had a doubt.

I love Beyoncé. I have loved her since Destiny's Child released 'Survivor' and I decided I was a feminist. I also think she's probably the most beautiful woman in the whole world. And considering she's a supermegastar, she doesn't seem to be too much of a dick, unlike the Gagas and Minajes of this world (not that they don't have their place too). I know I can be a bit of a ponce about music, but I love pop just as much as I love all the obscure stuff, and Beyoncé will always have a place in my heart. Also, when the charts are still filled with bikini-clad girls, Beyoncé shows young women everywhere that confidence and power (and thighs) are infinitely sexier than stripping off.

So in celebration of her brilliance, here are my top ten Beyoncé songs, in no particular order.

• 1 - Crazy in Love. The ultimate power couple. What did we do before them? It must have been an empty existence.

• 2 - Listen - The best break-up song ever? Possibly. I loved this song, so I watched the film 'Dreamgirls', which seemed like exactly my cup of tea, but it was terrible. Really really terrible. Nonetheless, every broken-hearted girl will feel better if she stands in front of a mirror, miming this into a hairbrush. Cliché? Me? 

• 3 - Irreplaceable - "I can have another you in a minute, and in fact he'll be here in a minute." This one's for that other sort of breakup - the one where your friends admit that they never liked him anyway and you sort of always knew that he was a bit of a nonce. The solution? Parade around in your underwear and rollers to show the bastard what he's missing. 

• 4 - Halo - About the one that sticks. This was Eilish and Bob's first dance at their wedding, and I don't think there was a dry eye in the room. D'aww.

• 5 - Sweet dreams - Just. So. Good. And that dance she does at 2:20 would not be cool if anyone else in the world did it. But I dare you to try...

• 6 - Love on Top - Because with the release of this song, Beyoncé can pretend 'Telephone' never happened, and get back to doing what she does best - belting out fun songs and dancing in an un-mimicable sort of way. 

• 7 - Single Ladies - Like it or loathe it, it's impossible to ignore. In the words of Kanye West, it's the best music video of all time, and though we are all thoroughly sick of it, and groan when it comes on, it's pretty much iconic, and I couldn't bring myself to leave it out. It's another one that is a lot of fun to dance to alone in your room on a Tuesday night. Not that I ever do that.

• 8 - Beautiful Liar - This came out five whole years ago. I was fifteen and boys everywhere thought this video was the best thing since sliced bread. Beyoncé and Shakira on one screen, gyrating. A little bit obvious, yes, but they have hips so it doesn't incense me. I'm not saying it's not hypocritical. It's also pretty catchy...

• 9 - If I were a boy - I'm not sure anyone really understands what this song or the video are about, but I think she's basically saying that she would make a better man than her man. Maybe.

• 10 - Survivor - For old time's sake.

for richer, for poorer, in fiction and in wealth...

I have realised that when I make sweeping, unsubstantiated commentsin this blog, these comments are challenged and turned on their head (or just mocked) by the people who read this, resulting in me feeling a bit naive, or faintly amused at the intimidating intelligence of some of the people in my life. So yes, what I am trying to say (in the longest sentence ever) is that I need to be careful.

This is how I would usually start this post:

Now, as you know, I will never get married. I do not believe that the institution of marriage can offer me anything in my life. I am fiercely independent and I will never need a man to complete me. I am already whole. BUT, if I were to change my mind (though this is unthinkable), these men would probably be the only ones in the world that I could bear to marry.

...

So though I love writing ranty paragraphs, it may be time to refine my thought processes and write like a grown up. I probably shouldn't have chosen this post to try it, but nevertheless, here is my second effort...

I may never marry. Never say never, but I'm not sure it's really for me. In the words of Summer (of '500 Days of Summer' fame) "I just don’t feel comfortable being anyone’s girlfriend. I don’t actually feel comfortable being anyone’s anything". Now, replace the word 'girlfriend' with 'wife' and you're getting close to my way of thinking. I'm sure many people have happy, healthy marriages, but I don't really like making compromises or admitting that I am wrong. And I'm scared of foetuses. And foetus-presence is implied in the holy sacrament, etc, of marriage.

Nevertheless, there are a few people in this world (none of whom I have met) I believe I could put up with forever and ever:

• James McAvoy - The original, the best. Plus, he already seems to be making one marriage work, and therefore is an expert.
• Conor Oberst - It wouldn't be the most cheerful household ever, but we could have sad, gaunt children who would be musical prodigies and have weird eyes.
• Robert Webb - Mostly because of this (which I robbed shamelessly), partly because of this.
• Joseph Gordon-Levitt - He stole my heart when I first watched Ten Things I hate About You (I think I was 12) and I never really got it back.
  
• Jonny Lee Miller - He plays Mr Knightley in the good version of 'Emma' and is the master of twinkly eyed disapproval. He was married to Angelina Jolie, however who is stunningly beautiful and I'm... well... not.
  
• Auden - dead and gay. At least my taste is original...
• Remus Lupin.
• Simon Amstell.
• Atticus Finch.
• Bill Murray.
• John Hannah.

I feel like the last few need no explanation.

variations on the word love...

Variations on the Word Love

This is a word we use to plug
holes with. It's the right size for those warm
blanks in speech, for those red heart-
shaped vacancies on the page that look nothing
like real hearts. Add lace
and you can sell
it. We insert it also in the one empty
space on the printed form
that comes with no instructions. There are whole
magazines with not much in them
but the word love, you can
rub it all over your body and you
can cook with it too. How do we know
it isn't what goes on at the cool
debaucheries of slugs under damp
pieces of cardboard? As for the weed-
seedlings nosing their tough snouts up
among the lettuces, they shout it.
Love! Love! sing the soldiers, raising
their glittering knives in salute.


Then there's the two
of us. This word
is far too short for us, it has only
four letters, too sparse
to fill those deep bare
vacuums between the stars
that press on us with their deafness.
It's not love we don't wish
to fall into, but that fear.
this word is not enough but it will
have to do. It's a single
vowel in this metallic
silence, a mouth that says
O again and again in wonder
and pain, a breath, a finger
grip on a cliffside.
You can hold on or let go.
. Margaret Atwood

I love this poem. I found it earlier when I was feeling a bit despondent and it made me feel... not happy exactly, but different. And sometimes change is good.

I'm considering going to stay with my auntie who literally lives at the end of the world (Gower). I have decided this because there is no wireless, no noise, and very few people. A bit of walking in a truly pretty place might do me a bit of good. Plus, unlike my house, they have fruit and vegetables so I might avoid the almost inevitable onset of scurvy.

Last night, I went to see Scott Pilgrim Vs the World, which made me want to dye my hair blue. I also get this feeling every time I watch 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind' or 'Ghost World'. Unfortunately, I neither look like Kate Winslet or the much less famous ones in the other two films, so I think I'll refrain from being too hasty. Not that becoming 'the weird girl with the blue hair' wouldn't be fun...

ten things to eat when you have no food.

I can't sleep because I'm really nervous about the car crash of results day, so I thought 'Hey, I'll write a blog!'. I would like it taken into account that it is very early in the morning, so please don't judge me too harshly.

As you know, my mother is in hospital, and I live in Wolverley which has one shop which opens somewhat erratically, so tonight, I found my fridge stocked only with rancid chilli con Quorne from a few nights ago. Nevertheless, I am a girl who likes a challenge, and I knew I could find something to stave off the hunger somewhere.

Here is a list of surprising things to keep you going when your mum is in hospital and you live in a place where Costcutter closes at eight and you are in your pyjamas so can't go further afield (besides, you don't own a car or have a license or anything useful like that. Also, you have no money, so even if you did have a car and a license and you weren't in your pyjamas, you could not afford to buy anything anyway. It's time to close these brackets.)

• nutella straight from the jar
• milk
• raisins
• nesquik powder
  
• flora (on crumpets if you are lucky enough to have them)
• slightly crinkly cherry tomatoes
• dried apricots to stop you getting scurvy
  
• an apple from the tree in the garden (though you are not sure if perhaps it is some kind of secret poison apple tree and nobody has thought to mention it to you. You are hoping for the best.)
• some gone off Quorn fajita strips which taste a bit funky
• a tin of tuna.

I ate all of these things while watching 'An Education' which is possibly now my favourite film. I LOVE Dominic Cooper and Rosamund Pike, but in quite different ways. Also, I now want to go to Oxford. This is unfortunate as I'm not even going to get into the universities I have applied for. I will accept this as my lot in life and become a squatter, caricaturist or busker (ukulele) as was intended when God made me out of a crappy bit of left over person.


Still haven't started War and Peace. I'll keep you posted...

what would plath do?

If you time it just right, there's a place near my house where you can go as the sun sets and just sort of think. There's a stream and a meadow and a little archway made of trees which in the evening is filled with golden light. I think we all live for our happy places a little bit, don't we? The only problem is, I'm not one of those people gifted with a vivid imagination so I can't just imagine that I'm there. Stress seems to take precedent and I can't relax no matter how hard I try, so I have to force myself to take the dog on a walk and just take twenty minutes out to be outdoors in a truly pretty place. It's not like I really mind the stress though. The reason I'm okay at exams (touch wood) is that I can pull it out of the metaphorical bag when it really matters. I'm very much a last minute lady and I am by no means doing a sufficient amount of revision. This is not helped by the fact that I am spending my days making cup upon cup of sweet tea for the Macedonian builders occupying our house (for eternity it seems). I wonder what Sylvia Plath or Rachel Maddow would have to say about this submissive, domestic role I seem to have adopted. I'm sure it would not be good...

My mother just had to ask me my date of birth. And people say the contempt is all in my head...

I would say I'm spending about seventy percent of my (measly) income on music at the moment. I would also say that it is very much money well spent. It does mean, however that my previous wardrobe fixation has become somewhat neglected so I am now a tramp with a very well-stocked iTunes library. What more could you want?

These are some of my recent discoveries:

Noah and the Whale are old news now, but I heard this as I was browsing the rails in Topshop and just thought it was lovely!

I'm yet to see this film, but this song achieves a subtle balance between over the top cute and a little bit depressing. Perfect. I love the Yeah Yeah Yeahs and this sort of works. Sort of.

Long, but by no means dull. Just listen...

I haven't got round to listening to any of her other stuff, but this is just lovely. And makes me wish I had red hair...

And finally, Zooey Deschanel (strong contender for #1 girl crush)'s little duo She & Him have produced a pretty much perfect album. This is my favourite track.

The prophets and their bombs have had another success and I wonder why we bother at all...

Marion Cotillard epitomises pretty much everything I want to be. She is French, she's successful, and , most importantly, she rocks Converse Allstars with ease. She completely nails every role she plays, whether in a bizarre Indie film, or something much more OSCARiffic like 'La Vie En Rose'.

What's more, Ms Cotillard is currently cosying up with the one and only Guillaume Canet: intellectual, visionary and overall French Hottie. The two starred together in 'Jeux D'enfants', one of my all time favourite films. It's funny and cute without being at all naff, as English and American films seem to slip into. If you haven't seen it, it really is wonderful and I recommend it. Those two would have cute babies...

The reason she's so great in 'La Vie En Rose' is the way she's unafraid to make herself look well and truly minging. It's possibly the most unattractive role she could have taken but it turned out to be a very wise move. Now she walks among Hollywood's elite, gracing the covers of magazines and seeming very classy and gracious with it. I think the fact that she failed to get her Oscar acceptance speech out over the flood of tears shows that she genuinely did not expect to win. Or she is a very good actress. Which sort of goes without saying really.

So this week has panned out much better than was expected. I did have a rubbish driving lesson on Monday, but everything else has been pretty good. Usually the double dose of double French on Tuesday and Wednesday pretty much finishes me off, but something odd has happened in the Modern Languages department; the teachers have gone soft. So instead of sheet after sheet of grammar, we got to watch TWO films. So yesterday, we watched 'He loves me, he loves me not' starring Audrey Tatou and a guy with really good hair. I'd never seen it before, so didn't know what to expect, but it was brilliant! It was exactly like Enduring Love, but Frencher and even creepier. The plot was almost identical, but because of the style of the film, the viewer is hooked much longer. Today, we watched 'A very long engagement' which was sad, but good. This had Tatou AND Cotillard in, therefore was automatically going to be ace. It did not disappoint. To say I enjoyed it would be a bit sick really - there was an awful lot of graphic mutilation, but it was pretty awesome. Cotillard plays an amazing, gutsy prostitute who seeks to avenge her bloke who dies on the Somme. If I didn't love her before, this certainly did it. Watch it. Please?

Fyfe Dangerfield (Fyfe, Fyfe, love of my life) may be my crush of the week. I just love his voice, love the Guillemots, love the John Lewis advert (about which I have already gushed). He's probably a bit of an arse, but he has lovely eyes and the voice of an angel. I think this is enough to absolve him. Trains to Brazil is an amazing song!

"Ah elle aime bien ça les stratagèmes! En fait, elle est un peu lâche. Je crois que c'est pour ça que j'ai du mal à saisir son regard"

Yesterday, after the exam from hell, I retreated to my home from home (the little room in Languages. It has a kettle and a microwave and some French magazines. As a result I probably spend more time in there than I do sleeping. It's a sorry state of affairs...). I was so annoyed with myself for being rubbish that I did the unthinkable. That's right, my friends, I rang my mother. She answered the phone and I croaked pathetically at her because this damn cold isn't going anywhere. I told her about my woes and she said the one thing I didn't want to hear; "Well I think you should be doing English anyway...". Since that moment, I can't stop thinking about my choices. On top of it all, I'm not even sure I want to go to university at all!

I'm not sure whether what I'm feeling right now is actual hatred of the French subject or whether I'm just being my typical, indecisive self. Let's see, shall we?

Rubbish things about French:

• Speaking - The exams are stressful and in my opinion, 20 short minutes cannot give an accurate representation of the student's prowess as a whole. Also, have you ever spoken French to a French person? It's really not all that good for one's ego...
  
• Literature - We are studying Maupassant. He doesn't like war. He uses nice language. He fights for the French people. I should love his work, but actually it's a load of long-winded, overdescriptive, hippie drivel. In French.
  
• France isn't all that great, is it? Okay, the south is gorgeous and sunny, but have you ever been to Calais? The Alps are cold, Normandy is grim, and Paris is full of tramps.
  
• Grammar - Trawling through textbooks doing question after question is not how I like to spend my evenings.
• Teachers - well one teacher actually. The less said, the less trouble I can get in.
  

Things that make me love French:

• Translation - Yum, yum, yum...
• Literature - Despite my indifference to Maupassant, the French brought us Les Misérables, The Hunchback of Notre Dame and Beauty and the Beast. Now, I have never exactly read any of these but the songs sure are catchy...
• France - Paris, Nice, Paris. Actually, I can't pretend any longer, I love France. It has Kristin Scott-Thomas, and Marion cotillard, and Carla Bruni. It has PARIS; the Pompidou centre, Amélie's café and Le Marais.
• Grammar - It's like algebra but with words!
• Teachers - The other two French teachers are nothing less than lovely and they took us to the Med, which was quite nice really...

So in conclusion, I both love and hate French in equal measure. Maybe this is what true passion for something is? Loving it so much that you really can't stand it. Maybe I really should do English. If I made a list for English, I'm pretty sure there would only be one point in the 'cons' column; my teacher has given us NINE hours of private study to be completed this week. Insane...

I just voted and intend to stay up tonight for as long as possible. It's very cloudy, perhaps this is pathetic fallacy?