remus and liz and mini with one 'n'...

I haven't as such been out today, so I thought I'd compensate by writing a brilliantly political post about the situation in Egypt, perhaps, or the ongoing drought in China, or even Berlusconi's latest little pickle. But THEN I found out that Elizabeth Taylor has been rushed to hospital with congestive heart failure, so I thought I'd write about that instead. I am no doctor, but I know that heart failure is never exactly good. I have always had a strange fascination with Liz. She was my iPod's namesake until I washed her (my new iPod is named Remus Lupin). So Liz, please don't die. I would miss you and your scary, scary face.

Over the past couple of days, I have been watching Skins. I always managed to resist before, but I cracked. Don't judge me, I'm home and I'm bored. My verdict? It's... okay. I do like it, and it's not too in-your-face or too tear-filled. Plus it's filled with pretty people who have lives much more interesting and shallow than my own. So while there are many things I prefer floating around on the box at the moment, this is a good way to pass some time while sipping tea at home alone on a Friday night. Just kidding. The dog was here. I've made my choice in life...

Okay, so I usually link to a nice little song at the bottom of a post, but today I give you the video that completely transformed my mood earlier. Life can be complicated, but thank God we always have videos of animals doing funny things to cheer us up...

for richer, for poorer, in fiction and in wealth...

I have realised that when I make sweeping, unsubstantiated commentsin this blog, these comments are challenged and turned on their head (or just mocked) by the people who read this, resulting in me feeling a bit naive, or faintly amused at the intimidating intelligence of some of the people in my life. So yes, what I am trying to say (in the longest sentence ever) is that I need to be careful.

This is how I would usually start this post:

Now, as you know, I will never get married. I do not believe that the institution of marriage can offer me anything in my life. I am fiercely independent and I will never need a man to complete me. I am already whole. BUT, if I were to change my mind (though this is unthinkable), these men would probably be the only ones in the world that I could bear to marry.

...

So though I love writing ranty paragraphs, it may be time to refine my thought processes and write like a grown up. I probably shouldn't have chosen this post to try it, but nevertheless, here is my second effort...

I may never marry. Never say never, but I'm not sure it's really for me. In the words of Summer (of '500 Days of Summer' fame) "I just don’t feel comfortable being anyone’s girlfriend. I don’t actually feel comfortable being anyone’s anything". Now, replace the word 'girlfriend' with 'wife' and you're getting close to my way of thinking. I'm sure many people have happy, healthy marriages, but I don't really like making compromises or admitting that I am wrong. And I'm scared of foetuses. And foetus-presence is implied in the holy sacrament, etc, of marriage.

Nevertheless, there are a few people in this world (none of whom I have met) I believe I could put up with forever and ever:

• James McAvoy - The original, the best. Plus, he already seems to be making one marriage work, and therefore is an expert.
• Conor Oberst - It wouldn't be the most cheerful household ever, but we could have sad, gaunt children who would be musical prodigies and have weird eyes.
• Robert Webb - Mostly because of this (which I robbed shamelessly), partly because of this.
• Joseph Gordon-Levitt - He stole my heart when I first watched Ten Things I hate About You (I think I was 12) and I never really got it back.
  
• Jonny Lee Miller - He plays Mr Knightley in the good version of 'Emma' and is the master of twinkly eyed disapproval. He was married to Angelina Jolie, however who is stunningly beautiful and I'm... well... not.
  
• Auden - dead and gay. At least my taste is original...
• Remus Lupin.
• Simon Amstell.
• Atticus Finch.
• Bill Murray.
• John Hannah.

I feel like the last few need no explanation.

Phallic what now!?

"Feminist theorists have devoted some attention to the gun which Isabella desires, and the whip requested by Catherine at the beginning of the novel, reading both of these as phallic symbols. It is important to note that as phallic symbols they signify desire not for the penis as such, but for the power the penis represents." Good to know, York Notes. Good to know. You know that you have done too much revision in a day when stuff like this starts making sense. After all, what is English Literature without a bit of phallic symbolism? Innocent? Dull? Actually, it is exactly the same. Because you know what? We make it up! NO Septimus Smith's nervous habit of fiddling with his pen knife does not show us that he has erectile dysfunction. NO the dog's tongue in Wuthering Heights is not a bloody penis! AND the word 'prick' does not necessarily have rude connotations. It can just mean prick... Of course, if you are an A-level Lit student, you will know exactly what I'm talking about. The final straw for me was "Oh Remus Lupin? Well he's obviously a phallic symbol isn't he?!" (Mrs Lynn Byford) WOAH, woah. Hold it right there! I didn't let her finish. How could I? Lupin is the best fictional character of all time with his Atticus Finch-esque calm demeanour, wolfish tendencies and friendship with both Sirius Black AND James Potter (earning him instant cool points). I will not have him ruined as all other books have been ruined with all this trouser snake talk.

Right. Penis rant over, I have had a lovely week. The sun has been shining, I have dressed up as Hermione Granger (I am aware that with two Harry Potter references I am beginning to sound like a bit of a loon. This is a sacrifice I am willing to make) and I saw James Cracknell. THE James Cracknell I fell a bit in love with as he trekked through ice and put up with Ben Fogle's constant whinging. I was sat in a beer garden in Devon, and there he was! I was forced to cut my ogling short however, as one of his kids decided to vomit everywhere. Turns out this love is conditional...

I wish I looked a little bit more like Idina Menzel. Look at her! Just look! She's so awesomely talented and cool and... witchy. And so I am back on the Glee bandwagon after a bit of a rain check. I just watched last week's episode, and it was completely amazing. It combined my three main loves: Les Mis, cheekbones and dodgy sixties laments (in the form of The Mamas and the Papas). If you haven't seen it, it's well worth it. It even forged a place in my heart for Billy Joel. Not bad, eh?


On a side note... Ruthie might just rival Idina in the cool stakes. If only they didn't all have stupid names...

So I'm pretty sure I love fictional men...

I joined this group on Facebook a while back. No truer words have ever been spoken. So here is my definitive list:

1) Remus Lupin - scruffy, intelligent, messed up, modest, but with a definite sting in the tail. Is he the perfect man? I think he might be...

2) Mr Darcy - I know it's a massive cliché. I know that I am earning no points for imagination here. Yet I know that Mr Darcy's charms are vast and I am yet to meet a girl, no matter how principled, who has not finished that book completely in love. I think it's the moody thing. When a moody man is nice, it makes it all worthwhile...

3) Seth Cohen - Okay, hardly literary, I know. The OC isn't one of my favourite programs, but Seth, played by Adam Brody is just loveliness personified. He has a thing for superheroes. And glasses. And he's Jewish. That's it really...

4) Spiderman - A nerd who can kick ass. Need I say more?

5) Mr Bingley - in the film he is ginger...

6) Josh from Clueless - Okay, in this one I am combining Mr Knightley with his modern day equivalent. Mr Knightley has that lovely, older man quality. He loves Emma despite her meddling naivity and he's suitably sarcastic and cynical. Plus Paul Rudd is HOT. He really has that sarcastic eyebrow raise down to a tee...

7) Ron Weasley - Plus all of his brothers. I know that Sarah Dixon is with me on this one. Why would anyone ever go out with boring, weird Harry when they could have his ginger, bumbling best friend? I'll let Ginny off though. I will not be seen to condone incest...

8) The Doctor. (played by Mr Tennant of course.) - So I didn't watch Dr Who when it came back with a bang. All my friends were completely obsessed, even when Christopher Eccleston played the lead. After a couple of years, I watched all of series two on Youtube. It was astonishing. David Tennant has an awesome nervous energy which makes him perfect for the role. Seeing him in Hamlet didn't harm his appeal either. It might be the Scottish thing. Accents are always a bonus (Ewan McGregor, James McAvoy, anyone Irish...). Though he was a bit weird in the Goblet of Fire...

9) Father Amadi - from Purple Hibiscus. I love this book, and if a Nigerian Catholic priest doesn't do it for you, I'm not sure what will...

10) Sirius Black - "If you want to know what a man's like, take a good look at how he treats his inferiors, not his equals."... Phwoar.

11) Dave the Laugh - Right, I'm sure most book-type people would recoil in horror at the mention of the Georgia Nicholson books, but I am fairly sure that anyone who mocks them hasn't read them. They are funny, light-hearted and full of awesome comic timing. Dave the laugh is one of the greatest characters ever written. And as everyone knows, "the bigger the PANTS, the harder they fall..."

12) Holden Caufield - The best narrator ever. He's clever and iconic and just a big dose of awesome. I read once that the people who like Catcher in the Rye are more likely to go crazy in later life. I embrace Holden Crazy with open arms... I think I say 'embrace' too much...

13) Jake from One Tree Hill - Maybe it's the single dad thing. Maybe it's the fact that he's a little bit ginger. Whatever it is, he is infinitely better than Lucas and Nathan. What are those girls thinking?

14) Romeo played by Leo - I think the actual character is a bit dull, but Romeo is the original hearthrob, and I feel unable to leave him out. In the film he is pretty and the fishtank scene is epic...

15) Jess Mariano from Gilmore Girls - No OF COURSE I don't watch Gilmore Girls (!)